Mourning in the Morning

It's been six months since David passed away and I still catch myself thinking about his future wife, seeing him again and what he's doing right now. I know that being in Korea has made it easier to ignore that he's gone, but it only takes a memory jog back to the funeral to set my mind straight and to feel the impossibly heavy weight. I know I am still grieving and I know it will take a long time to feel any sense of normal, but as I sit here I can't help but notice the inner change I feel. I feel older, hardened and a little bitter. I try to remember the me that I was before April, but that girl is gone and has been replaced with someone far more skeptical and critical. I'm trying to stay positive and remember good times and BLAH BLAH BLAH! Thank you to everyone who has given me advice and has been there for me to lean on, but it is just really hard.

On days like today where I wake up and he's the first thing I think about, I know it's going to be a rough day. I feel uncertain about ever being able to have him again. I used to have hope that I would feel his spirit and that I could turn back to the Erica of the past but that is slowly dying. The hope that is dying is taking the remains of who I was with it.

Now that I have put this out there, please know that I am ok. Hard days are bound to happen. This is just something I've noticed happening and it hurts to admit to myself that he is gone and the dreams I have are the closest I will be to him...