Heaven of Hell

My senior year of high school Mrs. Shook made us write a paper based on the quote by John Milton- "The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven."

I remember the paper I wrote for that class and have always remembered that most of our experiences are about our perception rather than the reality. The past two weeks have felt like a hell of hell.

On April 4th David Delgado, the guy I have been dating for the past seven years, died in a car accident. We were told that he was killed on impact and that it was painless for him. In a way I can see how knowing that it was painless could be comforting, but just knowing that he's not here is the most painful part of the experience. I am glad to know that he did not suffer and that we did not have to see him suffer and then pass, so that is the heaven of that hell.

What happened was tragic to say the least. It is a daily struggle for all of us left here on earth loving and missing him. I have been able to find a few small heaven of hell situations that restore my faith in people and the kindness in their hearts.

When I found out about David, I thought there would be no way for me to return home to attend the funeral. It is in my contract that I am only allowed to leave if it is an immediate family member that passes. I felt helpless and was worried how I was going to deal with everything mostly on my own here in Korea. The next day, two of my co-workers saw me in the hall, red and puffy from 20 hours of crying. They decided there was no way I could not go home.

They took me under their care for two days, first they looked online and found an airline ticket for me and when my credit card wasn't working, Kim let me put it on her card. I still can't believe how amazing she is! For the flight I was going to need and MP3 player and I don't have much music on my iPod so Brandon let me borrow his for my trip! They sat down and figured out my schedule and made sure all of my classes were covered and then talked to my boss and let him know that I was going to be gone. The next day, they walked me to the taxi and gave me a little sack lunch that they had packed along with a notebook and pen and $20USD just in case I got somewhere and only had won :)

Overall, their generosity, giving spirit and willingness to take charge and walk me through everything got me home just in time to attend David's funeral.

Also while in Korea I received a lot of counseling and long talks with my other good friends who have opened up and found it in their hearts to listen to me cry and lean on them when I needed someone to talk to.

When I arrived at the OKC airport I was greeted first by my Dad and my best friend Kate. Just seeing them made it real that I was home and why I was home and it was a good/terrible feeling all at once. Then my mom and my two aunts came over and they were there for me through everything. They will never know how much it meant to me to have them all there to catch me when I came in. I feel so blessed to have such caring and amazing friend and family support.

Kate even stayed with me for the first two nights, just to be there in case I woke up and needed to cry it out on someone :) Love that girl! And of course my mom, an infamous insomniac, was up at all hours to talk with me and cry with me. Stacy hosted a party at her house so that we could all get together with our friends and just hang out while I was in town and I truly appreciated that.

David's family also made me feel so warm and accepted. Although David and I broke up at the end of December and had only a small amount of contact since then, they knew how deeply David and I loved each other and treated me as a part of the family. We are still supporting each other even though the distance is far, it's always comforting to talk about everything with someone who knows exactly what you're going though.

Now back in Korea the administration at my school has been amazingly supportive and have all come to check on me and make sure that I am doing ok. My boss Dr. Yu told me that he had been supportive of the leave all along and his boss, Dr. Sang, was also supportive. Dr. Sang had lost a boyfriend in the past and I was told that she cried when they told her what had happened with David. She is arranging for a few of us to get together and to go to lunch this week. Mind you, this is after I violated my contract and could have lost my job and had my visa revoked. So for them to be so understanding and then to go the extra step to check on me personally made me feel like they see me as a person here and that is something you don't find at every job.

And finally, I have been shown so much support from friends and even acquaintances through myspace, facebook and emails. It meant so much to me know how much everyone loved David and that he was such an influence in peoples lives. Thank you for all the messages and prayers! :)

Dealing with David's loss has been a struggle from the beginning, but was made easier by all of these people and all the support I have received.

Everyday I wake up and it's a new challenge and a new day to get through trying not to lose it and to accept that God had a higher calling for David. Besides, who am I to keep an angel out of heaven?

So thank you all again for all the prayers and just please keep David's memory alive and remember to walk in love in everything that you do, just as David did.